Research shows about 50% of divorces are genetically determined; understanding your temperament helps.
Highly sensitive people (HSP) feel love relationships more intensely than most. Key HSP Researcher, Dr. Elaine Aron, helps us navigate intimacy in her book “The Highly-Sensitive Person in Love,” including her personal experiences.
Over the last year, I’ve been immersed in understanding my high sensitivity and finding ways to support myself, while enjoying the trait more fully. I’ve also dated two HSPs this year, and the heightened experiences motivated me to seek expert advice.
“I would never argue that being an HSP, or not being one, decides one’s happiness or success in relationships. But I can say confidently that one’s degree of sensitivity, and inherited temperament in general, is the most neglected factor in understanding the success of relationships,” writes Aron.
In 1992, psychologists shared research showing how genetics strongly impact divorce rates (~50%). More recent studies confirm the impact, including 2010 medical research: “Consistent with past findings, results from the present study indicate that both getting married and ending a marriage by divorce are significantly influenced by genetic factors.”
While Aron first published the love book in 2000, she wrote in 2016 that there’s very little she would change in it. Validating the unique experience of high sensitivity helps since its near invisibility makes it easy to minimize.
“I believe it’s not our inherited temperaments that are causing trouble, but that we deal with some temperaments poorly. The more I learn about temperament, the more I think learning about it is the key to changing people – to making them less stressed and more tolerant of themselves and others,” shares Aron.
I’ve greatly benefitted from Aron’s findings in her bestselling book, “The Highly Sensitive Person” (1996), and feel excited to continue incorporating HSP insights.
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Aron’s research findings on HSPs and love
“It is my impression from my interviews that HSPs vary more than others in the kinds of arrangements they work out in this area, choosing being single more often than the general population, or firmer monogamy, or close relationships with friends or family members rather than romance,” writes Aron.
I read similar things in Dr. Judith Orloff’s “The Empath’s Survival Guide” book, which has many overlaps for HSPs. Having more particular lifestyle needs can make finding the right romantic fit difficult or less appealing.
“With all this diversity, we HSPs still have some common issues to consider regarding our close relationships, all arising from our special ability to perceive the subtle and our greater tendency to become over-aroused,” writes Aron.
Aron shares research about how we’re more likely to fall in love when we’re aroused. Since HSPs get over-stimulated more easily, we’re more likely to develop romantic attractions. Heightened experiences or going through an ordeal together will increase our sense of bonding.
“HSPs do fall in love harder than others. That can be good. Research shows that falling in love tends to increase anyone’s sense of competence and the sheer breadth of the person’s self-concept. It’s also good to know some of the reasons we fall in love harder that have little or nothing to do with the other – in case there are times we would rather not,” explains Aron.
I enjoyed the part about how we may fall in love too intensely when we’ve been in too much. Aron iterates the importance of having social time, even if you love your inner world.
“Carl Jung pointed out that the more successfully introverted you are, the more pressure builds in the unconscious to compensate for the inward turning… The best protection against falling in love too intensely is being more in the world, not less. Once you reach a balance, you may even find that certain people actually help you stay calm and secure,” writes Aron.
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When two HSPs are in a relationship
Through my experience this year, dating another HSP can be exciting and terrifying. The additional awareness of subtle layers feels like unlocking deeper realms of connection.
“Each feels so understood, at last. There ought to be fewer conflicts about how much is too much and about spending time alone. You probably enjoy similar pastimes,” shares Aron.
You can develop a strong appreciation for each other and create shared safety.
“When two people in a relationship have similar personalities, it can create a safe, quiet harbor from which you each can journey, either out into the world or inwardly. Returning to each other, you can share the excitement vicariously of each other’s experiences,” writes Aron.
Orloff’s empath book includes many helpful insights about carefully choosing who to share your heart with and how to nurture yourself in a close relationship. I wrote more about the many overlaps between HSPs and empaths in a previous article.
“Value regular alone time to decompress and meditate. For an empath, having alone time in a relationship is about self-preservation. It’s not just a luxury. Regularly take what I call a ‘golden hour’ to decompress, and get in the habit of having many mini breaks throughout the day,” Orloff encourages.
Orloff shares advice for two empaths in a relationship. Making sure both people know how to take space and decompress when triggered helps immensely.
“The benefit of this relationship is that each person easily appreciates what the other is feeling. The more difficult aspect is defining one’s own needs and setting boundaries to feel safe and calm,” Orloff explains.
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Aron and Orloff’s books have been immensely valuable for my processing. Also, the sensitive people I’ve shared the literature and takeaways with find them eye-opening and affirming.
“When choosing who we get involved with, we must decide which set of problems we’re most okay handling. Whether a relationship lasts two months, two years, two decades, or a lifetime, it has the ability to teach us to open our hearts and heal wounds in ourselves,” shares Orloff.
Sections on close relationships in all three books include so many relevant insights, and I’m excited to continue working with them.
“Whether you’re an extraverted or introverted HSP, your greatest social fulfillment tends to come in close relationships. This is the area of life where almost everyone learns most profoundly while gaining great satisfaction, and it is where you shine. You can help others and help yourself by applying your sensitivity to these relationships,” writes Aron.
Find more HSP and relationship inspiration in my previous posts:
- A Spiritual Path to Healthy, Loving Relationships
- 6 Ways Aron Helps HSPs Thrive Socially
- Why Highly-Sensitive People Embrace Spirituality
Photo Credit: Unsplash, Vince Fleming
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I publish inspiring, empowering content on self-actualization topics once a week (Tuesdays). I include insights from personal experience, research, expert advice, and others’ stories. I use my professional journalism and research background to keep posts concise, empathic, and trustworthy.
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