Doing deep inner work attracts more supportive partners.
Photo Credit: Anas Qtiesh | Published in: “The Virago“
Most women have heavy feminine wounds. Why wouldn’t we? We live in a patriarchal culture. Centuries of conditioning formed deep, rooted, unhelpful patterns in our collective unconscious.
Resetting those beliefs and behaviors requires ongoing, intentional efforts. Consider the “virtue” of being “nice,” for example. I always wanted to be nice. Most women do. It’s not actually helpful to put others first. Being “kind” matters much more because the approach includes our concerns and needs in the equation.
So I’ve done a lot of focused work in my romantic life, well over 10,000 hours. I’ve cultivated expertise, and I’m constantly seeing opportunities to improve. I’ve reset so many old patterns and have reached notably deeper levels of intimacy with myself and others.
For more context, I have an extensive and horrifying trauma history, notably in my relationship with men, work, and gender. I’ve made it to the other side of many forms of abuse, spanning the first 26 years of my life. So when I show up to write, heal, and connect romantically, I bring way more depth and inner scarring than meets the eye.
Along my healing process, I’ve published 25 articles on embracing femininity and created 29 articles on abuse recovery, and in the last six months, I opened enough space to date and love a supportive man. Still, I’m working on healing my femininity and grounding in trust.
Looking back, I see growth and repair occurring over a million tiny moments and uplifting choices.
With presence and focused attention, we can keep choosing to feel differently and expand our concept of what we deserve to receive. We can stop trying to earn love from men and start believing we are already worthy of uplifting support.
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Healing means feeling the anger, sadness, and grief.
We’re still unraveling centuries of sexist conditioning. I say that a lot because it’s true and honors my experiences. When I mention I feel guilty about not being in the mood for sex, for example, my partner has been encouraging. Yet releasing that guilt still feels like a process.
I know that the guilt comes from centuries of conditioning around women’s value coming from our availability for sex. Before I can just drop the guilt, I feel sadness about why the guilt was there in the first place.
Being a woman, on average, is notably harder to do in our culture. No research reference is required for that fact. I’m still healing from the wounds that my mom never healed (and her mother never healed), and that takes work.
At the end of 2020, I published an article called “7 Painful Reasons All Women Should Be Angry.” My therapist loved it and asked if she could share it with others. She said I did a great job at synthesizing huge cultural patterns. I wrote about things like:
- Shaming our sexuality
- Belittling feminine values
- Dismissing professional skills
- Blaming women for provoking abuse
- Creating negative beauty competitions
Let’s be clear, I am the heroine of my story, and I am taking responsibility for how I respond. I’ve done such a great job choosing a partner who values women and femininity. He listens and makes me feel special. I keep showing up for myself and embracing rituals that ground me.
After working with multiple therapists, reading many women’s literature books, and doing all this writing and research, I still have those inner scars. They never go away. While they’re not gaping wounds anymore, the scars and sadness still exist.
Really, I just want to love myself by letting myself be sad sometimes. Because yes, there’s a massive fucking wound there, and even with an amazing male partner, it’s still a lot sometimes. The damage done during my formative years will always weave into the tapestry of my life.
I like to view my healing process like the Japanese “Kintsugi” pottery mending practice. Dating back to the 15th century, this practice refers to the process of reviving shattered pieces with gold filling. Gold highlights the cracks, scars come to life, and the piece becomes a celebration. They celebrate the beauty of the imperfections that led to a more refined and attractive masterpiece.
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Resetting old patterns requires attention and focus.
Protecting and nurturing your creativity makes a world of difference. I recommend Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” program. It’s about reconnecting with your inner child and strengthening your relationship with a greater creative force. The process helps you tap into receiving, listening, and trusting your higher power. And believe me, creativity heals.
Through creative healing, we become healthier artists, more open to joy, and better conduits for something greater to shine through. That’s been my experience. Dancing, making music, writing, and many other creative channels have become essential to my wellness.
Owning your authentic emotions consistently matters. So much of feminine history includes gaslighting, where a lack of validation leads you to question your reality and sanity. I used to unconsciously accept that normal behaviors and emotions made me “crazy,” for example. Now I know, invalidating behaviors are something to walk away from.
When I stay rooted in my body and emotions, especially the painful ones, things seem to work out more magically than I could’ve planned. I’ve created a safe container for myself to feel everything, and I know that all emotions will pass. Journaling and meditation feel essential to holding space for myself.
When I journal, I’m showing up for myself. Cameron inspired me to get back into this daily practice, and now, I’ve been journaling every day for almost four years. I feel connected to myself, often refreshed, and mostly, open to receive guidance in all the details of my life.
I’ve been meditating daily for over seven years now. I noticed my thoughts seemed more positive when I focused more on my breathing. My practice has evolved so that I’m connected with my breathing and presence throughout the day. My spiritual practices relieve my anxiety and open me to trust and receiving.
Keep prioritizing self-care. I still feel guilty sometimes for taking time for myself. My morning routines, like journaling, meditation, and movement, take time. Yet, when I prioritize my physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, I show up way better for everything else in my life, including the humans I love.
Nurture female friendships. Healing my femininity has really helped me see the value in my connection with women. Ladies can nurture each other with loving validation, encouragement, and acceptance. Celebrating each other’s authenticity feels beautiful for everyone.
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Reclaim your voice and attract people who celebrate you. So in the Bible, there are several verses about how virtuous it is for women to be silent. My conservative Christian upbringing felt like the epitome of patriarchal culture wrapped in the prestigious virtue of “godliness.” Just so we’re on the same page here, check out this dandy Bible quote:
“Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet,” — 1 Timothy 2:11–12.
Strengthening my voice through writing, creating music, and dancing over the last four years has been a beautiful journey. I’ve cycled through layers of deep vulnerability and logic. I’ve slowly gotten closer to my core feelings and higher spiritual beliefs.
I’m still letting myself embrace and feel proud of my backlog of public articles while continuing to care for and shape my voice. People tell me that my message is getting stronger, while my voice feels soft, and the delivery matures.
Letting myself receive encouragement from a male partner and feeling how my creative work makes me more attractive, not less, has been healing. More than celebrating me, he’s been uplifting my process. Capturing and editing high-quality photos, sharing helpful feedback on my writing, and encouraging connections with other artists are just a few ways he’s elevated me.
Really, isn’t that how it should be? The divine masculine empowers our divine feminine energy. I’m practicing letting myself receive more while loving what I already have.
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My hormonal health has become incredibly important to me. I used to skirt around talking about my period. Sure, I’d let ex-partners rub my stomach on period days. However, I often felt some level of guilt that I wasn’t as fully available for sex. Are you noticing a pattern here?
About three and a half years ago, I stopped using hormonal birth control. Partially, I stopped because I was upset about this health insurance I’d chosen to pay for after leaving a bad job and the woman who gave me inaccurate information about what the plan covered. Partially, I wasn’t having sex anyway, and I’d vaguely remembered hearing about cycle awareness as a birth control method.
So I’ve been tracking my cycle meticulously with an app and journal. I’ve also immersed in more holistic literature on cycle wellness, which blew my mind. Really, much of the medical research (or lack thereof) on women’s health simply iterated what I already knew: our culture values women less.
Flash forward to today, I’m in a monogamous relationship, and birth control is a big topic. In our conversations around ways to prevent pregnancy, we’ve aligned on the importance of my hormonal health. I shared some resources with him about different methods and options for me. After reading them, he showed genuine concern and compassion. We tabled those options.
In my holistic wellness research, I’ve realized that hormonal birth control options seem horrible for long-term health, despite how easily my gynecologists offered them. Synthetic hormones are not the same as natural ones, and periods and ovulations matter immensely for overall well-being. Maise Hill, menstrual expert and author of “Period Power,” inspired much of my new awareness.
Mostly, with this beautiful connection I’ve cultivated with my cycle, I feel more in tune with my well-being needs and aligned with my body.
Also, I’m not failing at being a man. When I stopped trying to force myself to work efficiently on 24-hour rhythms, as seems typical for our culture’s standards, I felt better. My body has huge hormonal waves that ebb and flow throughout at least a month, and I get to make that process work for me. Trusting my body and intuition more has been the priceless result of this particular gender-centric journey.
Yes, women experience roller-coaster hormones, and that’s pretty miraculous.
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Regular sex talks with a partner are very healthy.
I’m making this one its own whole section because there’s a lot here, and I’m so grateful to be taking advantage of my sexual gifts. My sexuality has been a wildly adventurous journey with drastic 180 turns and a long path toward self-acceptance.
When we look back on our story with sexuality, we can pay attention to all the ways it’s been beautiful and perfect in the messiness. We can rewrite the really hard parts and become heroines in our narratives.
Growing up with purity culture, for example, led to some devastating situations and horrifying inner beliefs. For years, I genuinely believed I’d end up in “hell” because I’d engaged in pre-marital sex. Even writing that here, I feel a small tinge of tension. Oh my God, I’m “outing” myself!
Because I grew up with that indoctrination, I’ve felt incredibly motivated to do extensive research on sexuality. This exploration and self-ownership led me to my current long-term sexual partnership and far more appreciation for pleasure. There’s always a way to reframe your narratives once you take the time to discover what they are.
More specifically, Emily Nagoski, sex expert and author of “Come as You Are,” inspired me to prioritize ongoing sexuality dialogue. It’s one of the best ways to enjoy a satisfying, long-term sex life. While sexuality isn’t “everything,” it does feel like a huge part of healthy romance.
Having those conversations feels like building a solid foundation of trust, layer by layer. With a male partner whom I feel safe with, I can sift through the old patterns and beliefs and lovingly embrace the joy of embodied femininity.
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If you’re a woman living in America (or most other countries), you probably grew up feeling like a second-class citizen. You felt there must be something wrong with you, like this deep, core, unconscious negative truth.
We struggle to say “no” and set boundaries because both actions require that we believe we’re worthy of protecting. We have to believe our energy matters.
Most of the healing femininity process feels like an inside job. We can do extensive inner work, engage in therapy, and hopefully surround ourselves with supportive women.
Dating a kind man can really support anchoring those uplifting self-beliefs. More importantly, showing up authentically rather than working to prove yourself makes all the difference in connecting with the right partner in satisfying, beautiful ways. Also, as my fairy writer friend shared, “Know you are worthy of love and respect, no matter where you are in your healing journey.”
Through all this work, I keep seeing how counter-intuitive it feels to lean into femininity, even though it feels so great when I do. The instinct to push and force is real, and I know it comes mostly from the external reinforcement that masculine values matter more.
So I’m being gentle with myself, letting myself relax, and trusting the process, moment by moment. As my therapist once told me, “Things really seem to work out better when you lead with your femininity.” That’s been my experience.
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I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Sign up to receive creative offerings on Tuesdays in your email inbox. Join the Weekly Love News here:
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