My college roommate and best friend taught me to appreciate small moments; I also saw why campus life shapes deeper bonds.

Published in “Modern Women” 

“I’m planning Megan’s birthday. It’s a scavenger hunt. Be at her favorite coffee shop by 2 p.m. tomorrow,” I explained to one of our friends as she nodded along. 

For senior year, I designed an intricate series of celebratory events. I set up one-on-one meetings for Megan at her favorite local spots. She’d share a gift and an experience with one of her friends. I looped in her lover and planned for the rest of our crew to meet up at our favorite hibachi restaurant to celebrate Megan with drinks and candles. 

She had no clue, and she loved it. 

Similarly, Megan and another close friend had put together an amazing surprise party for my birthday. For the biggest surprise, they coordinated with my parents and got friends to pitch in to buy me a flight home for Thanksgiving. They’d even scheduled and arranged transportation on both ends for the airport. I felt beyond thrilled and grateful for such dear, thoughtful friends. 

All dressed up, baby adults shaping resumes, we navigated and celebrated our lives together through those four college years. We absorbed the details of each others’ personalities, walked to breakfast together most days, supported last-minute wardrobe troubleshooting, made jokes about painful zits, and talked about everything, with little to no filter. 

Nearly ten years later, I still think fondly about Megan and the little moments we shared. I remember how safe, seen, and connected I felt with her. I miss her. 

Nurturing female friendships and celebrating femininity feels like one of those highly challenging, yet highly rewarding journeys. The stakes are higher, and the payoffs bigger: all the emotions, all the processing, all the encouragement. Also, research proves how pointedly women’s “tend and befriend” instincts improve health and longevity. No surprise there. 

***

We have such a sweet friendship story. 

We met during freshmen year in an overlapping religion-adjacent church club. After being homeschooled through most of my early school years, I’d felt nervous showing up at a new campus. However, I told myself that with 14,000 other students enrolled, I was bound to find at least a few like-minded weirdos if I kept showing up to new groups. And, it worked. 

Slowly, Megan and I began sharing lunches and time with overlapping friends and new connections. When I was considering a new roommate by the end of my freshmen year, she showed interest, and I leaned in. Though maybe I’d wanted a more exciting friend to live with, I knew I felt very safe and grounded with her. I trusted Megan. 

***

So Megan and I moved into a modest, one-room dorm and shared a tiny bathroom for the next three years. Imagine all our decor, personal stuff, and complex, cyclical energies smooshed into a tiny, tiny home. Oh, and don’t forget about the classes and homework, our jobs, social lives, boyfriends, and final exams. 

Waking up and getting ready for the day, we’d choose a music mood. “I’m in a punk kind of vibe. Is that cool?” We shared a tiny mirror to put on makeup as a “Fall Out Boy” inspired playlist set the tone for morning rituals. “I’ll be ready in like five minutes. Walk to the cafeteria with me?” 

We instinctively did a lot of things right. We shared so many meals, study sessions, weekend shopping trips and adventures, and so many details of personal preferences and opinions. She was a light sleeper, so I tip-toed at night. She teased me when I got lost in my romance novels. 

We’d shape rituals, like the Friday night “Werewolf” crew game night or Thursday night swing dancing with the church club. 

Of course, we still had separate interests, clubs, and hobbies. I worked at the newspaper as a reporter and editor and bonded with grammar nerds. She leaned into her psychology studies and animal biology interests. I did more workouts and fitness classes; she loved “Doctor Who” and tending to the plants and fish tanks in our space. 

Maybe, as I leaned more fully into my extroversion, I instinctively bonded with someone more introverted to balance me out. Though I had other female friendships, my bond with Megan felt closer and more valuable.

Maybe, it’s about how much I can stop having a filter and how many layers of my inner world I can uncover. Megan possessed deep levels of kindness, compassion, and acceptance; qualities I craved. She was often generous with what she had, eager to help others feel included, and acted with a strong moral compass. 

***

One time we had a huge disagreement about taking out the garbage. She called me selfish, and I said she needed to speak up more. Angry and frustrated, all our friends knew we were having a tiff. Halfway through the next day, as the irritation wore off, we began missing each other. 

I distinctly remember texting several Pinterest pins of adorable and unlikely animal friends. Through silly friendship graphics and digital hugs, we reconnected. I don’t know who ended up taking out the trash. 

Perhaps this friendship foreshadowed my many years of mental health and psychology reading and inner work that followed. 

Maybe, when we listen to our deeper intuition, we’re drawn to the people we need to process what we need to process during different phases in our lives. 

***

Living on campus together catalyzes deeper bonds. 

For many years, I’ve explored ways to recreate those four college years, one of my biggest “happiness islands.” I felt engaged, excited about life, and joyful to create so many friendships.

Going to college drastically expanded my worldview. I grew the courage to question my religion. I unraveled my sexist, racist, and homophobic upbringing, and became more inclusive. I felt confident to go after what I wanted and surrounded by the resources I needed.

Maybe it’s my heightened curiosity, love of learning, or extrovert personality. I just crave that level of empowering immersion in my projects, work, and social life.  

I know walkability played a big part, or, the accessibility of daily errands on foot. Living in a well-designed urban area offers more opportunities to socialize and expand, much like my college campus.  

Additionally, the sheer stimulation of college life and early adulthood navigation spurred deeper connections. We can bond through intense challenges and thrilling victories. It’s about enjoying exciting (or “arousing”) shared experiences, as I read in Dr. Elaine Aron’s “The Highly Sensitive Person” book.

On campus, I took my first yoga class at the school gym. I invited friends to events I covered for the newspaper, like school plays, art galleries, classical and rock concerts, or dance performances. 

We co-hosted events for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and each other’s birthdays. I’d play piano and have random singing sessions with friends in the music department study rooms. 

Opportunities for unplanned adventures and creativity help me nurture female friendships. Magic happens more often in proximity and with intentional collaboration.

***

Why healthy, intimate female friendships matter. 

Maybe I judged Megan more than I should have. She was thicker than me, and men were more often attracted to me than her. I didn’t understand all her introverted interests and insecurities. Though they spurred some beautiful conversations. 

Unsurprisingly, years later, I became very aware of my need for solo time and my array of hidden insecurities. I’ve worked through healing my body image issues, unraveling patriarchal traumas, and walking away from harmful beauty competitions that tear women apart. 

Looking back on my complex relationships with women, they likely mirror my connection with my inner feminine. I’ve become more grateful for the seasons when I bond closely with one or two special people because I learn so much.

***

Now, I need to tell you about our breakup. 

At that stage of my evolution, Megan showed up. She listened and gave thoughtful advice. She was there during my hippy phase when I stopped wearing shoes. She was there when I took a break from makeup, the year I stopped eating sugar, and the year when I started having sex again.

She was there when I got myself into messes and forgot what mattered. And then, she wasn’t there anymore. 

One month before graduation, we broke up. I’ve replayed that spring break trip so many times in my head since then. Our friendship broke down, and maybe I was breaking open a little bit too.

We’d mapped out the journey to Panama City Beach, Florida, and considered driving further down the coast to visit my relatives. In our shared mental vision, the trip included a saturated exploration of bookstores and tea shops.

Maybe I was feeling trapped in this “straight edge” version of myself and needed to ride the pendulum swing of parties and “bad decisions.” I felt rebellious after a repressed conservative Christianity and purity culture upbringing.

Driving to Panama City, we stopped at a coffee shop, and she wanted to go back home. I remember taking an outside table while she sat, looking angry, at an inside spot. Her boyfriend was driving to pick her up. 

Afterward, she stopped talking to me. We shared the dorm for one more month, then we graduated, and I moved to Nashville, Tennessee. 

I tried so many times to apologize, talk to her, and make things right. After graduation, I called and left messages many times. However, she’d put her metaphorical walls with me on the outside.

***

How relationships can lead to more wholeness. 

Even now, I feel some guilt and confusion about why it ended that way. I could say that we grew in different directions; it’s more complex than that.

Women need to feel accepted and valued. Maybe I just wasn’t able to appreciate her femininity (or my own) the way I should have. I was in an early stage of the “Heroine’s Journey” and needed to pursue a more audacious path. 

Also, she likely stayed in Louisiana where she grew up; I’d been a “military kid” and was not about to settle down in such a humid state. I was ramping up my energy and fueling my desire to achieve my version of success. Her reserved, small-town pace didn’t match mine anymore.   

Maybe I needed to have that break to have the many discoveries that followed. My soul was ready to get way out of my comfort zone. I needed to ride that pendulum swing to get to where I am now. 

Perhaps motivated more by the breakup, I leaned into my passions for self-improvement, wellness, and social studies with more vigor.

***

Nearly ten years later, I’ve worked through the heroine’s journey, and I’m integrating healthier versions of my masculine and feminine energies. 

The more I honor and nurture my femininity, the more I enjoy other women. I’ve gained so many tools, skills, life experiences, spiritual shifts, and awareness in the last decade. 

Now, I show up in female friendships with presence and playfulness. Those little moments are the ones that count. It’s saying you’re sorry and meaning it, offering a helping hand, creating shared moments with intention, seeing yourself in others, and building trust for shared vulnerability. 

Megan inspired me to care a little more, slow down to appreciate the scenery, and let humor bring us closer when life feels painful. I took risks, shared buried fears, and realized I’m not the only one. Those risky moments brought us closer. 

***

Megan helped me to feel loved and connected during college, and for that, I’ll always be grateful to her.

As an imperfect human, I can accept and bond with other imperfect humans. I can view those breaks as healing opportunities, be the parent I never had, and create more space for love.

Through all the relationship mistakes, I can love myself and the person I’ve become. I can cultivate my faith in something greater. I can feel the oneness that connects us all and gently become a more secure human. 

With interlaced fingers, I can share this sacred, magnificent journey with other magical beings.

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