You’ve already survived hell; you’re stronger than you realize.
I had a Zoom call with an old friend scheduled. We hadn’t talked in months, but she’d always been very kind. Did this friend read my articles on narcissist abuse? Does she know? Will she judge me? This woman knew my abusive family members. Would she believe me?
These are the types of questions I’ve often asked myself as I reconnect with people since my narcissist discovery journey. Though I’d made huge strides in my healing work, I worried about victim shaming. Like a raw wound touched by acid, it would sting to feel even a hint of doubt, pity, or belittlement.
From what I’ve observed in other survivors, cultivating new relationships seems like one of the biggest struggles in recovery. But we can move forward with new wisdom and beautiful self-knowledge.
Also, it’s not just abuse survivors; most people struggle with new relationships. The average American adult hasn’t made a new friend in five years, according to recent research.
Through healing, I’ve learned to make myself a priority and a lot of what does and doesn’t work for me. It’s not about being “good enough.” It’s about finding people who respect you, treat you well, and encourage your authentic self.
Everyone’s healing journey is unique and moves at its own pace. Let these insights inspire you to take loving steps towards more fulfilling relationships.
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1. Shift codependent patterns
If you’re like me, you’ve developed numerous codependent behaviors that you never realized. When we’re in relationships with toxic people, especially as children, we develop coping strategies to keep ourselves safe. We used these behaviors and thought patterns to survive in dysfunctional environments.
Now, as we shift towards mutually fulfilling relationships, we have an opportunity to shift our beliefs away from codependency and towards self-love and inherent worthiness.
“Our recovery lies in ourselves. We have to identify how we’ve let their behavior impact us,” — Melodie Beattie, in “Codependent No More.”
Here are a few codependent patterns Beattie describes in her book:
- Taking responsibility for others’ emotions
- Putting others’ needs first
- Believing you have to play a role in relationships to be lovable
- Pretending you have more energy than you do
- Feel you can’t do anything right
- Afraid to be authentic
- Compulsive behaviors
- Difficulty saying “no.”
- Low self-worth
Sound familiar? Codependency symptoms are very common, especially for women. Discovering these symptoms felt overwhelming, but it’s been helpful to focus on one or two things at a time and to be very compassionate with my process.
Start with “there is nothing wrong with me” and find joy in your redesign journey.
2. Practice firm boundaries
When I first started working on setting boundaries, it felt tough. I felt angry that no one had taught me boundaries and angrier about the low self-worth that made setting them difficult.
If you struggle with setting boundaries, here are two great insights to start with:
- Practice setting and adjusting boundaries with yourself first.
- Boundaries are about how you will change your behavior, not others.
Creating self boundaries: Maybe you struggle with TV time, over-eating, over-spending, or getting good sleep. Focus on what you need to feel good in this area and why this boundary matters to you. Gracefully readjust as needed. Writing them down or sharing them with a friend can help.
Changing your behaviors: You can’t change anyone else. I can’t control if someone continues to text me even after I said I need space. But, I can change my behavior when my boundaries are not respected, like blocking this person from my contacts list.
“In formulating boundaries, it’s critical that you identify your feelings, needs, and values. Once you know your comfort zone, you can choose your boundaries. It’s important to take baby steps, get support, and practice, practice, practice,” — Darlene Lancer, LMFT.
As Brene Brown describes in “Rising Strong,” the most compassionate people have the strongest boundaries, ask for what they need, and know how to say “no.” Boundaries lead to more love and less resentment.
You won’t be amazing at boundaries right away. Like any new skill, it takes patience and persistence. Take small steps, remember why your boundaries are important, and celebrate your wins.
3. Find low-stakes group activities
Initially, I began joining Meetup and other online group events that resonated. I could show up, meet new people, and feel safe in my home.
Start with activities you enjoy and get curious. I tried a book club, improv group, writing group, and crafting club. I didn’t make new best friends right away or anything, but the experience has been very insightful.
In these low-stakes events, you can start noticing how different people and situations make you feel. Practice honoring and aligning with your true emotions and needs. It’s not about being someone everyone likes; it’s about liking yourself and finding others who do too.
4. Create a validating support system
Finding people who validate your experiences is one of the best ways to combat victim-shaming. Most people who haven’t experienced narcissistic abuse first-hand won’t understand the depth of pain and confusion. That’s why it’s essential to connect with other survivors is crucial.
We’re creating and validating a new sense of self. We’ve already experienced so much invalidation from narcissists. They excel at making us feel we might be losing sanity. But when I stop to sit with my emotions, I know I am saner than I’ve ever been.
Though unseen and insidious, the people I loved abused me horribly. That really happened, and I’m far from alone in these devastating realities.
Whether it’s joining a support group, connecting one-on-one with other survivors, working with a trauma-informed therapist, or an abuse recovery coach, find people who validate the reality of the abuse and your authentic experiences.
5. Build your self-care toolkit
You will likely feel triggered in social situations. As abuse survivors, we’ve been through intense trauma, and early in recovery, these wounds are raw. The painful memories never entirely go away, but they eventually feel more like scars than open wounds.
Knowing what works for you will be crucial to feel calm in stressful situations.
“Real self-care is about tuning in to what your body needs rather than tuning out. If you don’t listen to your body’s whispers, you’ll hear its screams,” — Randi Kay, holistic health practitioner and educator.
This self-care perspective helped me so much. Things like journaling, walking, showering, listening to music, reaching out, or meditating help me tune in to my body’s needs. According to research by Bessel van der Kolk, author of “The Body Keeps the Score,” yoga is especially helpful for trauma survivors.
Find what helps you tune in so you’ll be prepared when you feel stressed or anxious. Learning to approach your body with curiosity rather than fear makes all the difference.
6. Embrace loneliness with curiosity
This past year has been the most lonely I’ve felt in my entire life. Processing life-long narcissistic abuse feels a bit like going into a cocoon. It’s a long, mysterious transformation that no one can fully see. But it’s happening.
In addition to feeling lonely, I’ve felt shame about loneliness.
But in that private cocoon, we learn how to accept ourselves. We sit with this scary void, an emptiness we may have been hiding in relationships.
Though interdependence is important, our relationships with ourselves will always be the most important. We can’t love anyone else more than we love ourselves.
On a more practical note, don’t wait to do the things you want to do. Engaging in activities you enjoy is one of the best ways to meet new people. If you keep waiting to “have someone to go with,” you’ll miss out on amazing experiences.
(Bonus) 7. Cultivate mindfulness
All the intellectual insights in the world won’t help if you’re stuck in your head. As someone who’s had tension headaches for over a decade, I know what I’m talking about.
Reading books like “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle and “The Power of Letting Go” by John Purkiss has helped me embrace more presence.
If you haven’t tried meditating, I highly recommend it. I’ve been meditating for about five years, and mindfulness has been a critical part of my healing journey. It helps me observe my thoughts and feelings and more easily connect with gratitude and compassion.
There are plenty of free meditation apps, YouTube videos, and online resources available. Insight Timer is my new favorite; I use it every morning.
Whether you’re religious, spiritual, or neither, find what helps you be in the present moment. You can’t care for your body if you don’t know what you’re feeling.
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Whenever you feel overwhelmed, remember that it’s better to be alone than in harmful relationships. You are often your own best company, and there’s immense freedom in discovering what truly brings you joy and lights you up.
There’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship status. You’re exactly where you need to be.
Though I’ve often felt shame about my relationship experiences, I know this pain is here to teach me. I’m learning to slow down, listen to my body, set boundaries, and strengthen my faith in a higher power. I’m starting to believe that I am worthy of my dreams. Why else would we have them?
Healthy relationships are our birthright. As Sandra Brown describes in “Women Who Love Psychopaths,” abuse survivors are highly capable of creating deep, loving relationships after recovery. We deserve to be in two-way relationships. As empathetic humans, we are inherently worthy of love.
With high self-awareness, resourcefulness, and self-compassion, I am making progress. I take baby steps every day to shape empowering behaviors, strengthen my self-love and self-worth, and practice firm, loving boundaries.
Lastly, ask for help when you need it. Acknowledging when you need support is a quality of emotionally mature people, not a weakness.
You’ve already survived hell. You can fucking do this.
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Originally published by The Virago on Medium.
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