The last 18 years feel like a winding, evolving, beautiful love story.
Photo Credit: Anas Qtiesh
Since discovering my highly sensitive nature last year, I’ve peeled back more numbing layers and dove even deeper into body awareness. Through a series of many lifestyle shifts and inner work, I’m growing more grounded, tuned in, and holistically healthy.
Next week I’ll be 30 years old, and looking back on all the victories in my inner love story feels like one sweet way to celebrate.
At 12 years old, I went to the gym with my mom for the first time, and that experience felt like the first step in sorting through all these stories we have about our bodies.
I’ve spent many years optimizing my wellness with diet, exercise, and all sorts of psychology and productivity advice. In the last three years, I created even more space for inner connection with things like Jungian psychology, creative recovery work, and somatic processing.
Reading Marion Woodman’s “Addiction to Perfection” book, based on her Jungian psychotherapy work and research, significantly shifted my perspective about “addictive” behaviors. She describes compulsive, destructive patterns as “choosing death” rather than life. It’s like we develop this deeply buried fear, largely due to our cultural feminine repression.
“Femininity is taking responsibility for who I am — not what I do, not how I seem to be, not what I accomplish. The embodied woman lives in the present and evaluates in the moment. She loves with her whole Being so that vulnerability becomes her greatest strength,” wrote Woodman.
Sharing this story idea with my partner, I said: “It’s been a journey of discovering layers upon layers upon layers upon layers, and then more layers than I could never have imagined existed in my body awareness journey.”
It’s hugging myself after sobbing, really feeling the intensity of my emotions in dance, slowing down to eat mindfully, connecting to the miracle of life, and softening around hurt to create space for love. It’s listening and responding, seeking wisdom and choosing self-compassion, grieving and embracing joy, finding what works, and strengthening my intuition.
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Forcefulness and Perfectionism
Looking back, I can easily see how much I’ve grown. While I had many tools for diet and exercise, even working out at 5 a.m. most mornings, I didn’t know myself as well. I didn’t have nearly the degree of intuition and self-love I get to enjoy now.
I used to say I had an addictive personality, mostly to men and desserts. Over the last few years, I have understood what that meant and where it came from. It’s not about the action itself; what matters is the energy behind the choices. I remember feeling scared and overwhelmed. I felt really annoyed with myself and frustrated when I felt out of control.
Eventually, I discovered mindfulness and meditation which made a significant difference in moving forward, connecting with gratitude, and expanding space for consciousness.
Later on, I also worked through layers of healing my inner feminine and unraveling all sorts of unhelpful cultural beliefs. I wrote several articles covering my feminism journey insights.
Deeper Layers and Loving Rituals
More than a catchphrase, I’ve learned to listen. I’ve created daily rituals and check-ins to continue choosing love. I’ve been sober for years and discovered ways to experience rather than run from my big emotions.
“Listen to [your body’s] wisdom. It knows how to heal itself if I give it the chance. Recognize my own responsibility for my own beautiful body whether it is big or small. This is my life,” wrote Woodman.
Reducing caffeine made a big difference. I’d tried to cut back a few times since I’d been drinking two or three cups of coffee a day. I knew that wasn’t healthy. Then, when I discovered caffeine’s impact on anxiety, I got motivated, read about the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), and now I drink one cup of black tea in the mornings.
Choosing sobriety feels so supportive. Gradually as I listened and noticed the nuances in my body, even in small amounts drugs or alcohol simply didn’t help me. Being sober continues to improve my quality of life. I’ve found other ways to connect with like-minded people and enjoy many varieties of tea and kombuchas.
Doing free-form movement heals. All the work I’ve done in ecstatic dance and the five rhythm practices over the last year have really been paying off. I feel more connected to my body and aware of imbalances early on. I get to expand my unique gifts and reset old beliefs.
A 2021 UCLA Health study shows how conscious dance improves wellness, especially for people with anxiety or depression. Most participants (99%) experienced mindfulness and psychological flow. Therapeutic benefits correlated significantly for relieving several stress-related health conditions, including participants with trauma history, chronic pain, and addictions.
Prioritizing sleep is essential. My highly sensitive nervous system really picks up on energetic differences based on sleep quality. After a week of low sleep quality, I feel like an emotional disaster, more raw and vulnerable and less tolerant. With higher sleep scores, I grow more spacious, open, loving, and seemingly better at everything I’m doing.
Practicing slow yoga is magical. The first time I tried yin yoga, I cried. I wasn’t expecting that. Then, I discovered how yin yoga directly calms your nervous system and activates the PNS. Those slow, long poses really do create a calmer state of being, which makes everything better.
More recently I’ve been enjoying benefits from things like incorporating daily Ayurveda rituals, eating produce from the local farmers’ market, protecting my empathic energy field, and the ongoing results of a six-year meditation practice.
Maybe what matters most out of all the healing modalities and practices is listening. I listen and reflect on what’s working and create space for spontaneity. I balance the supportive masculine with my inner loving feminine.
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When I took a feminine psyche workshop with the Pacifica Graduate Institute, I hopefully asked one of the instructors about the next steps: “How do I progress in this work? Are there more books? Other courses to take?” I think about her response often. She kind of shrugged and looked around, “Sometimes books just fall off shelves when they’re meant to.”
That experience helped me relax more into the journey rather than forcing a linear path when it comes to caring for my body. Magically, the next step always appears.
“Love is the real power. It’s the energy that cherishes. The more you work with that energy, the more you will see how people respond naturally to it, and the more you will want to use it. It brings out your creativity and helps everyone around you flower. Your children, the people you work with — everyone blooms,” said Woodman.