I’m still mourning my recent romantic breakup, and that’s okay.
I often like to think that I’m “highly evolved.” Then, I remember that the thought is typically a mental cover-up for insecurities. Yes, the old ego pendulum swing.
My breakup healing process is no exception. The day after it happened, I wrote a six-page poem. Then, I created and recorded a breakup song the same weekend. The following weekend, I shared the romantic breakup song at an open mic night. I’d been determined to heal quickly.
Hiding beneath the surface, I’ve discovered a lot of shame around how enmeshed I’d become with this man. After a two-year dating gap, depth therapy, creative recovery work, releasing patriarchal conditioning, and generally, being very intelligent, I should’ve known better.
That’s when I realize I’m being hard on myself, and I have to actually feel the feelings before I can do anything positive or productive with them. Also, it’s okay to mourn. Mourning is healthy.
While my intellectual processing lept Lightyears ahead to “solve the problem” –Yes, it was definitely for the best. Yes, I will attract a more aligned partner. Yes, I am growing, a lot.– my emotional being craves to be with the pain, anger, longing, face-saving overconfidence, and eventual weepiness.
A mix of mental health articles and my strange Astrology app messaging encouraged me to slow down again. Also, there’s a meditation teacher on Insight Timer, who I trust to guide me through dark spaces. My life feels chaotic because it’s re-ordering itself in a way that’s more aligned with my dreams and visions. Transformation always requires messy cocoon time.
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Mental Health Break-Up Advice
Within 24 hours of that final “Let’s go our separate ways” discussion, I held my phone, Google searching, “How do I move on from my breakup?” In fact, I was supplementing the already-saved articles in my Notes app. I like to be prepared for the chaos.
The Very Well Mind publication offers succinct, encouraging, Medically reviewed breakup advice in: “From Heartbreak to Healing: Navigating the 7 Stages of a Breakup” (2024).
During “Stage 5: Depression and Sadness,” author Sanjana Gupta recommends letting yourself grieve. It’s normal to grieve the loss of a relationship, and being patient helps. Something has died: all the visions of shared futures, the intertwined rituals, and the synergy of togetherness.
Acknowledging the loss and disappointment will always be the first step to redirecting that energy. There’s so much I miss and have lost because of this breakup. I think I tried to just block it out and let go in one fell swoop. My body has other ideas, like dancing and crying to breakup songs, for example.
Bit by bit, I’ve been specifying the loss I’m feeling, like our Friday night and Saturday morning rituals or shared hiking adventures, for example. Once we accept the loss, we can metabolize pain as energy. Loss also acts as a signpost, redirecting us in a more aligned direction. That’s been my experience.
The breakup has already been serving me so much, pushing me to slow down and reconnect internally in a deeper way. I’ve been taking so many positive steps for myself and my work and relationships already, and that feels very rewarding.
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The Pattern: My Astrology App’s Strange Messaging
In the last personal article I published, “Now, I’m Using the Breakup Pain for Deeper Healing,” I included snippets written to my “future lover.”
Though I stand by what I said, I’ll admit I kind of hoped that a new person would show up sooner than later. I wanted to fill the space quickly and prove that I could attract what I wanted and deserved, someone who would show up for me the way I needed him to.
I even sort of had someone in mind, who I could sense was also attracted to me (he was). Of course, that attraction was clearly an ill-conceived misadventure that I stopped before it started. I quickly sensed that he would spark many of the same issues, in some ways worse than my ex.
That flirtatious interaction was the first sign that I needed to prioritize quality me time.
Then, my astrology app essentially told me I should stay single for the rest of the year. Reading this, I first felt angry. I really enjoy sex, and I’ve realized committed relationships are an important container for me to explore that level of intimacy. Which means… a long year ahead.
Then, I was surprised to notice relief. Oh, I get to spend all this time on myself. What a treat! I remember during the partnership I’d sensed a creeping, rushed feeling. Like, would I always pour this much energy into a partnership? I’d been questioning sustainability for a while, and I realize now I’d started missing myself.
Now, my body desires some focused rebalancing work, a deeper commitment to the relationship that will always matter most: this one.
Additionally, the app confirmed and validated the need for the breakup. It said something along the lines of: “If you’ve been talking about the same issues for a while, that’s a clear sign to make drastic changes or end the relationship.”
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However, all the clarity doesn’t necessarily make the grieving easier. I do feel like I have more healthy approaches for engaging with my somatic feelings and fearful thoughts as they show up. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to still be talking about this, regardless of how much time has passed (less than three months).
What matters is really accepting myself and treating myself with kind patience during the process. Rather than simply numbing things out, I can get curious. I can remember who I am beneath all the eternally insecure ego layers. I can seek to understand my purpose in the world.
So I’ll keep crying and staying soft, writing sad songs when it feels right, and shaping a more aligned and beautifully authentic life.
The more I deepen internal connection and clarity, the more I’ll trust. I trust in the connection with something greater and look forward to the new opportunities and relationships to come. Also, I’m grounded in big gratitude for the details of my life exactly as it is with all the surrounding beauty and abundance.
Really, I’ll feel so much love and acceptance for my flourishing Self that future romantic partnerships will simply be a natural extension of that love.