Key high-sensitivity researcher empowers us to connect in safe, enjoyable ways.
A few months ago, I took copious notes on Dr. Elaine Aron’s social advice in “The Highly-Sensitive Person” book. Before understanding my sensitivity, I’ve often felt drained from interactions or scared of group dynamics without fully realizing why or knowing how to navigate.
I began exploring highly sensitive people (HSP) as a concept last year. I found Aron through a sensitive yoga teacher I loved, took the self-assessment, and began experimenting with lifestyle changes. Understanding the basics of high sensitivity makes a world of difference in my daily life.
Aron’s work gives me tools and ideas for being “out” in healthy ways while honoring my need for solo time.
“Never underestimate the power of simply acknowledging to yourself that you are over-aroused, possibly by something having to do with the people you are with. If you are judged for that, it is not the real you but the one temporarily flustered by overarousal. If and when they know the calm you, the you who is subtly aware, they will be favorably impressed,” writes Aron.
Being very sensitive can feel vulnerable and overwhelming. By listening to our infant selves or bodies, we become more tuned in and able to do reparenting work. This advice rings especially true for those who grew up with insecure attachment styles.
“A good caretaker develops many strategies for soothing his or her infant. Some are more psychological; some, more physical. Either approach will change the other. Choose according to your intuition. Any approach requires taking action – getting up, going to the infant, doing something,” writes Aron.
Rather than avoiding situations altogether or letting arousal escalate, I’ve been playing with accommodations. Understanding how my body responds to stimulation and knowing I can always make adjustments, I feel more relaxed.
“Social discomfort is almost always due to overarousal, which makes you act, speak, or appear not very socially skilled. Or it is the dread that you will become overaroused. Remember, discomfort is temporary, and it gives you choices,” says Aron.
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1. Distinguish between arousal and fear.
Over a year ago, I remember walking through Dolores Park (a popular hangout in San Francisco) and feeling a lot. I considered whether I had social anxiety and felt concerned.
Understanding my high sensitivity makes that situation make way more sense. Overarousal and fear create similar physical symptoms.
“Arousal may appear as blushing, trembling, heart pounding, hands shaking, foggy thinking, stomach-churning, muscles tensing, and hands or other parts of the body perspiring. Often we think that our arousal is due to fear. And we avoid the situation in the future when staying in it and getting used to it might have calmed us down,” says Aron.
Arousal can be positive, including things like joy and curiosity. Understanding the difference between arousal and fear has opened many doors and helped me feel safer in many social situations.
2. Balance going out and staying in.
Similar to having overprotective or under-protective caretakers, we might struggle with overstimulating ourselves by doing too much or overprotecting ourselves.
The “out too much” or “in too much” dilemma is unique to each person. If you really want to be out in the world more and feel scared or flawed, you may focus on encouraging and supporting yourself. If you’ve been overdoing it and struggling to slow down, it’s probably time for more self-compassion and listening to your body.
I’ve experienced both ends of this spectrum and feel Aron’s advice has been valuable in creating balance. The process seems like a mix of unraveling old conditioning, caring for our infant or body selves, and figuring out how to enjoy being “out” on our own terms.
A few cues you may be “out” too much:
- I push myself to do things I fear.
- I go out even when I don’t feel like it.
- People tell me I work too much.
- I wake up in the middle of the night or very early in the morning and can’t go back to sleep.
- I add things to my body – coffee, alcohol, medications, etc. – to keep myself at the right level of arousal.
Some signs you may be “in” too much:
- In a given week, I spend more time alone than with others.
- In a given week, I stay home more than I go out.
- When I notice I have overdone it physically, mentally, or emotionally, I immediately stop and rest and do whatever else I know I need to do for myself.
“If you are in too much, the evidence is clear that you and your subtle sensitivity are needed in the world. If you are out too much, the evidence is equally clear that you will perform any responsibility far better if you obtain adequate rest and recreation,” writes Aron.
3. Approach social situations intentionally.
Set yourself up for success. Here are five simple overarousal strategies Aron shares:
- Remember that overarousal is not necessarily fear.
- Find other HSPs to talk to, one-on-one.
- Use your arousal-reducing skills.
- Develop a good “persona” and consciously use it.
- Explain your trait to others.
Remembering about 20% of the population is highly sensitive, I know there are usually a few of us in every room. Observing and connecting with people who share my sensitive experiences has been lovely. I recommend it.
The persona concept feels fascinating. If you’re feeling lost and overwhelmed, sometimes it’s okay to just do what other people are doing and blend in a bit.
“We often think our overarousal is more noticeable to others than it really is. By behaving in a predictable way, talking the way others do even when you don’t feel like it, no one will hassle you or draw the wrong conclusion that you’re arrogant, aloof, plotting, or so forth,” says Aron.
I’ve also started explaining my high-sensitivity early on when I meet new people. The more I see the gifts in the trait, the more easily I convey that positive framing to other people.
4. Decide if you want to talk or listen.
When I grew up, family members repeatedly told me I talked too much. In response, I got really good at listening. While I enjoy listening, I’ve had a journey getting more comfortable taking up space in conversation and in general.
This simple advice, noticing if you feel like talking or listening, has already helped so much. I’m managing my energy more directly.
If you feel like talking, you can easily plant topics you’re fascinated by. Sometimes, I share a verbal list of topics I enjoy with people and let them choose what they want to learn about.
If you feel like listening, ask questions about what naturally interests you or what the person has already shared.
Aron shared this suggestion specifically when you “just have to chit chat,” one of several situations that tend to feel uncomfortable for HSPs.
5. Remember you’re not shy; you’re sensitive.
“Beware of the hidden prejudice behind the word shy. You need to know that you are not shy but just an HSP who can become over aroused.”
Aron shares a research study about how much calmer and more confident people feel when they know where the arousal is coming from.
“Your heart may be pounding for any number of reasons having nothing to do with the people you are with. There may be too much noise, or you may be worrying about something else you are only half aware of that has nothing to do with the person you are with. So go ahead, ignore the other causes (if you can), and have a good time,” shares Aron.
When people don’t know you and view you as shy, they tend to associate negative interpretations. Though “shy” also has positive associations, Aron encourages us to reject this label intentionally.
“Not only is it unfair (shy label), but it’s dangerous because it helps to silence the thoughtful voices of HSPs by reducing their self-confidence,” writes Aron.
Removing labels like “shy” helps us reconnect with our strengths. Shyness is a learned condition, unlike high sensitivity. It’s the fear of social judgment, which differs greatly from needing less stimulation.
“They may have said you are fearful, timid, fussy, stubborn, or insisting on having things your way. Yet all of these seeming flaws are just words for things that also have good sides to them. It’s how they are framed,” shares Aron.
6. Find your containers.
On a basic level, our bodies crave the feeling of being held and protected from overstimulation. We feel safe and secure to explore when we know we can return to protective containers. People, places, and things that feel safe and familiar serve as naturally calming containers.
“If you do lose a container (or worse, several), accept that you will feel especially vulnerable and overwhelmed until you can adjust,” says Aron.
While physical containers might seem more valuable, intangible ones tend to be the most reliable. Eventually, you can consider the whole world to be your container.
“Part of maturing into wisdom is transferring more and more of your sense of security from the tangible to the intangible containers,” writes Aron.
Intangible things like love, faith, creative thinking, mental practice, or spiritual exercises can give us a sense of security, like a safe haven.
“Perhaps the greatest maturity is our ability to conceive the whole universe as our container, our body as a microcosm of that universe, with no boundaries. That is more or less enlightenment. But most of us will need more finite containers for a while, even if we are beginning to learn to make do with intangible ones in a pinch,” shares Aron.
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As Aron explains, we’re a “package deal.” HSPs enter the world with numerous gifts that are valuable to society. We also require more downtime and regular adjustments to live as a minority in a less sensitive world. As a dear friend put it: “It’s a feature, not a bug.”
Figuring out how to show up in my social world more fully and authentically has been a unique and rewarding challenge. I care about people so much and feel so grateful to have discovered Aron’s advice.
Remember, HSPs are naturally great at relationships. Rather than feeling like something’s wrong with us, we can be proactive to figure out what works and feels good.
Read more HSP inspiration in previous posts:
- One Dedicated Yogi Shares His High-Sensitivity Insights
- Aron Shares Advice for HSPs Healing Trauma
- 10 Insights From My High-Sensitivity Journey
Photo Credit: Unsplash, Sam McNamara
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I publish inspiring, empowering content on self-actualization topics once a week. I include insights from personal experience, research, expert advice, and others’ stories. I use my professional journalism and research background to keep posts concise, empathic, and trustworthy.
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